I didn't do it.

In my "recovery process" trying to move beyond the past and fully enjoy the wonderful life I have now I have had occasion to reflect on my past relationship and why it didn't work. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not the perfect partner and I am not fully innocent in the ultimate demise of my first marriage, but I didn't make him that way. I did not imagine it and I didn't make him become that way.

This is something that I have discovered is a common thread in women who have survived an abusive relationship. Blaming yourself or wondering if you "made him do it" or if you just "created the monster in your head" is not uncommon, but it is not what happened to me. I thought about it. What I decided was this: Look at his history! He was not innocent before the relationship in question. In my case my ex had molested his cousin when he was 7 (he admitted that to me when we were married), he had chased his sister through the woods and tried to stab her on the hood of an old car that was dumped down there (I saw the slash marks on the car he'd  have killed her), and another ex girlfriend had pressed charges against him for assault. I didn't create the monster, but I did a good job of ignoring it.I am guilty of putting myself in a bad situation and thinking I could "fix" someone, but I didn't make him that way  and I won't be turning my current husband into a monster because he wasn't one before I met him.
The bottom line is that my life is wonderful now because I have built it that way for myself. I do deserve it. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to have people in my life that want me to be happy. Learning that has been a challenge, and it it something that I still work on and affirm daily, but it is true!