Sunday, August 14, 2011

Keeping my mouth shut is not something I've ever been good at

Don' t get me wrong, if I'm trusted with a secret it'll go with me to the grave. I just can't keep my opinions to myself so well. Just heard some news the other day that almost made me physically ill. My ex-husband is going to be a father?! There are lots of people in this world who would make excellent parents who can't have children, but this! I don't know for sure that he will abuse the child, but all of the warning signs are there! Anyone who has done the things he has done or collected the things he used to have could not have changed so much. If anything he is hiding what he truly is and it will come out. I truly fear for that child. The worst thing is that there is not one damn thing I can do to protect it. I don't know why I feel like I should other than that no child should ever have to live with someone like that.
The whole thing has got my mind going to dark places that I usually try to avoid. The only thing I can do is to focus on the fact that I got out and luckily my babies have a WONDERFUL father who wants nothing but the best for them and would protect me and them to the death. It makes me want to move out of town. I don't want my children to have to associate with any child he has. I had seriously hoped that he couldn't have children, but now I find myself hoping that his new wife will wise up and leave him and never ever let him be alone with that baby. I think if I move away I won't think about it. I won't ever have to deal with the situation of my children asking me why they can't go to a party at so-and-so's house. It is a small town. I am feeling helpless. I just need to let it go. I need to focus on me and my family and what I have here. I need to stay out of it, but I can't be totally silent. (which is why I'm subjecting any readers of my blog to this rant).  Seriously some people should not be allowed to breed.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Daddy's being a soldier

When I was trying to find a way to tell my oldest that his daddy was gone for drill weekends I came up with this phrase to describe it. He isn't "playing army" there is not much play going on where he is right now. This weekend is one of his three day weekends and it isn't easy to have him away. I'm really not looking forward to the upcoming deployment (I've been told I can't expand upon that at all). It will be our first one since we've been together if you don't count the almost-deployment that happened when I was pregnant with Stinkbug. He re-injured himself in training (but still completed the training with one working arm). He has healed up back to his old self and the next one ... well we don't expect they will taser him this time. I've come up with ideas to help the kids get through a year without Daddy. We plan to get him a laptop so we can Skype, a recordable story book so he can read to the kids whenever they want, and I may make them "Daddy dolls" if I can get a good full-body picture of him in his ACU's. I don't know what I'm going to do for me though. I'm going to miss him like crazy. Daddy's being a soldier, my husband is a soldier. It isn't what he does it is who he is. It is part of what makes him who he is (the man I love). It won't be easy, but millions have been through it and we'll make it too. I have some time still before this happens. I am an independent and strong-willed woman and Superman is as strong-willed and independent as I am. He drives me crazy in good ways and bad. We compliment each other though and we make each other stronger. If I can put up with him being here I can put up with him being gone, and I will be all the happier when he does come home.
My Superman!  I <3 You!