What a great day!

Today was a great day. I had some errands to run which the boss and I got done with minimal fussing. We grabbed some lunch and took it to the park for a picnic. The boss were super good and ate at the picnic table really well. Then we went for a walk down to see the lake.  We drove out to my dad's new place. On the drive, Turtle- bug fell asleep. After a small spat, Stink-bug took a nap, but the little guy wouldn't go back to sleep. They ate the sweeter- than-I- usually- allow snack, and let me watch one of my favorite shows. We are having my mom over for dinner, so I may actually get to clean under my furniture too. All in all today is adding up quite well, and we are adjusting to Superman being out on the road, though him being with us would have made it infinitely better.

I didn't do it.

In my "recovery process" trying to move beyond the past and fully enjoy the wonderful life I have now I have had occasion to reflect on my past relationship and why it didn't work. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not the perfect partner and I am not fully innocent in the ultimate demise of my first marriage, but I didn't make him that way. I did not imagine it and I didn't make him become that way.

This is something that I have discovered is a common thread in women who have survived an abusive relationship. Blaming yourself or wondering if you "made him do it" or if you just "created the monster in your head" is not uncommon, but it is not what happened to me. I thought about it. What I decided was this: Look at his history! He was not innocent before the relationship in question. In my case my ex had molested his cousin when he was 7 (he admitted that to me when we were married), he had chased his sister through the woods and tried to stab her on the hood of an old car that was dumped down there (I saw the slash marks on the car he'd  have killed her), and another ex girlfriend had pressed charges against him for assault. I didn't create the monster, but I did a good job of ignoring it.I am guilty of putting myself in a bad situation and thinking I could "fix" someone, but I didn't make him that way  and I won't be turning my current husband into a monster because he wasn't one before I met him.
The bottom line is that my life is wonderful now because I have built it that way for myself. I do deserve it. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to have people in my life that want me to be happy. Learning that has been a challenge, and it it something that I still work on and affirm daily, but it is true!

Keeping my mouth shut is not something I've ever been good at

Don' t get me wrong, if I'm trusted with a secret it'll go with me to the grave. I just can't keep my opinions to myself so well. Just heard some news the other day that almost made me physically ill. My ex-husband is going to be a father?! There are lots of people in this world who would make excellent parents who can't have children, but this! I don't know for sure that he will abuse the child, but all of the warning signs are there! Anyone who has done the things he has done or collected the things he used to have could not have changed so much. If anything he is hiding what he truly is and it will come out. I truly fear for that child. The worst thing is that there is not one damn thing I can do to protect it. I don't know why I feel like I should other than that no child should ever have to live with someone like that.
The whole thing has got my mind going to dark places that I usually try to avoid. The only thing I can do is to focus on the fact that I got out and luckily my babies have a WONDERFUL father who wants nothing but the best for them and would protect me and them to the death. It makes me want to move out of town. I don't want my children to have to associate with any child he has. I had seriously hoped that he couldn't have children, but now I find myself hoping that his new wife will wise up and leave him and never ever let him be alone with that baby. I think if I move away I won't think about it. I won't ever have to deal with the situation of my children asking me why they can't go to a party at so-and-so's house. It is a small town. I am feeling helpless. I just need to let it go. I need to focus on me and my family and what I have here. I need to stay out of it, but I can't be totally silent. (which is why I'm subjecting any readers of my blog to this rant).  Seriously some people should not be allowed to breed.

Daddy's being a soldier

When I was trying to find a way to tell my oldest that his daddy was gone for drill weekends I came up with this phrase to describe it. He isn't "playing army" there is not much play going on where he is right now. This weekend is one of his three day weekends and it isn't easy to have him away. I'm really not looking forward to the upcoming deployment (I've been told I can't expand upon that at all). It will be our first one since we've been together if you don't count the almost-deployment that happened when I was pregnant with Stinkbug. He re-injured himself in training (but still completed the training with one working arm). He has healed up back to his old self and the next one ... well we don't expect they will taser him this time. I've come up with ideas to help the kids get through a year without Daddy. We plan to get him a laptop so we can Skype, a recordable story book so he can read to the kids whenever they want, and I may make them "Daddy dolls" if I can get a good full-body picture of him in his ACU's. I don't know what I'm going to do for me though. I'm going to miss him like crazy. Daddy's being a soldier, my husband is a soldier. It isn't what he does it is who he is. It is part of what makes him who he is (the man I love). It won't be easy, but millions have been through it and we'll make it too. I have some time still before this happens. I am an independent and strong-willed woman and Superman is as strong-willed and independent as I am. He drives me crazy in good ways and bad. We compliment each other though and we make each other stronger. If I can put up with him being here I can put up with him being gone, and I will be all the happier when he does come home.

My Superman!  I <3 You!

The birthday month has begun!

Turtle-bug brand new

My littlest is now 1.

 His birthday was yesterday. My birthday is tomorrow and I'll be hit by hitting 29. Father's day is next Sunday (saving a whole other post for that) Then my Mother-in-law's birthday is the 23rd, my nephew is the 24th, Superman's is the 28th He'll be 28.

Superman and Stinkbug at Stinkbug's 2nd Birthda
 It is a busy month for birthdays. Unfortunately we can't do much right now and we have to wait to celebrate Turtle-bug's birthday until Superman gets home from Guard (on his birthday no less).  So busy, busy! I made brownies for Turtle-bug last night and he really seemed to enjoy them immensely based on his reaction and the amount of brownie on him after he was done. Isn't it fascinating how kids love a food so much they want to wear it?? and then they do! Well, Happy Birthday to anyone else who shares this busy month with us, and of course, to the US Army celebrating a birthday today! 

Happy Birthday US Army!

Having a good cry

Tonight after putting my boys in bed. I am sitting up alone and having a good cry. I am stressed out about how to keep things running smoothly until we can get things back on track after a major setback that happened, crazy enough, on the day we got married. I'm trying to take the bad with the good and to maintain some type of grace, but I'm having a moment of weakness. My Superman is not home. He is training with the Guard right now. I'm doing my best to be strong for him. I know that I will be without him for a whole year in the next year or two, and I'm not new to this training stuff. I know that he will get things done so that we will be okay, but I feel like it is up to me in the meantime. I worry. It's what I do. I have anxiety issues anyway, and I know that. I know things will turn out and I know that this is just a speed bump, but I still don't have to like it. Not right now-- this is my time to just let myself feel how I feel and let it out. I'm doing this now so I can stay strong for my boys. I would urge anyone in my position to do the same. Let yourself feel what you feel, let it out, then you can continue to be strong and carry on and get on with making things better for yourself and your family.

Jitters

Okay, so Superman and I haven't gotten married yet. Not really, even though I call him my husband regularly. However we are tying the knot legally on Tuesday. Now I'm getting all nervous and anxious and excited. I'm super happy about it, but I have butterflies like nobody's business.  I have been through a wedding before, but this time I know it is the real deal. I'm in it for good. He's a great guy and a wonderful father and I love him to pieces. I really wonder though if I'm not going to drop some weight really fast now. I have nervous energy and while I generally have a stomach like a nuclear reaction chamber I feel a little ill when I'm nervous. I don't get stage fright, but this will be a small affair- very casual, just immediate family, our witnesses and the kids.  I have a nice dress that I'm going to wear, but no flowers, no plan, no ceremony really to speak of... and still I'm nervous.