I didn't do it.

In my "recovery process" trying to move beyond the past and fully enjoy the wonderful life I have now I have had occasion to reflect on my past relationship and why it didn't work. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not the perfect partner and I am not fully innocent in the ultimate demise of my first marriage, but I didn't make him that way. I did not imagine it and I didn't make him become that way.

This is something that I have discovered is a common thread in women who have survived an abusive relationship. Blaming yourself or wondering if you "made him do it" or if you just "created the monster in your head" is not uncommon, but it is not what happened to me. I thought about it. What I decided was this: Look at his history! He was not innocent before the relationship in question. In my case my ex had molested his cousin when he was 7 (he admitted that to me when we were married), he had chased his sister through the woods and tried to stab her on the hood of an old car that was dumped down there (I saw the slash marks on the car he'd  have killed her), and another ex girlfriend had pressed charges against him for assault. I didn't create the monster, but I did a good job of ignoring it.I am guilty of putting myself in a bad situation and thinking I could "fix" someone, but I didn't make him that way  and I won't be turning my current husband into a monster because he wasn't one before I met him.
The bottom line is that my life is wonderful now because I have built it that way for myself. I do deserve it. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to have people in my life that want me to be happy. Learning that has been a challenge, and it it something that I still work on and affirm daily, but it is true!

Keeping my mouth shut is not something I've ever been good at

Don' t get me wrong, if I'm trusted with a secret it'll go with me to the grave. I just can't keep my opinions to myself so well. Just heard some news the other day that almost made me physically ill. My ex-husband is going to be a father?! There are lots of people in this world who would make excellent parents who can't have children, but this! I don't know for sure that he will abuse the child, but all of the warning signs are there! Anyone who has done the things he has done or collected the things he used to have could not have changed so much. If anything he is hiding what he truly is and it will come out. I truly fear for that child. The worst thing is that there is not one damn thing I can do to protect it. I don't know why I feel like I should other than that no child should ever have to live with someone like that.
The whole thing has got my mind going to dark places that I usually try to avoid. The only thing I can do is to focus on the fact that I got out and luckily my babies have a WONDERFUL father who wants nothing but the best for them and would protect me and them to the death. It makes me want to move out of town. I don't want my children to have to associate with any child he has. I had seriously hoped that he couldn't have children, but now I find myself hoping that his new wife will wise up and leave him and never ever let him be alone with that baby. I think if I move away I won't think about it. I won't ever have to deal with the situation of my children asking me why they can't go to a party at so-and-so's house. It is a small town. I am feeling helpless. I just need to let it go. I need to focus on me and my family and what I have here. I need to stay out of it, but I can't be totally silent. (which is why I'm subjecting any readers of my blog to this rant).  Seriously some people should not be allowed to breed.